Models and monsters make our Female XV!

Pamela Anderson and Mother Theresa to share bath

With a (teeny-weeny) break in the rugby schedule coming up, we attempt to reintroduce you to the female race. You know, those beardless wonders that we last saw sometime prior to the opening game of the 2003 Rugby World Cup.

But don't panic! We're not abandoning rugby completely, and will be easing you back into decent society as gently as possible. So, without further ado, please meet our World Female XV - ladies who are sure to leave any Test team gasping.

FULLBACK: EVE (EDEN)
Eve knows loneliness, and will be comfortable patrolling those wide, open spaces at the back. The odd snaking run has left her a little exposed in the past, but she wins the fullback slot thanks to her ability to coax the opposition into making disastrous decisions.

RIGHT WING: AMELIA EARHART (USA)
Not only one of the fastest females in history, but one of the most daring too. Harty loves nothing better than the feel of wind in her hair, and she will take off down the wing at every possible opportunity to disappear into the blue yonder - a joyous sight for team-mates and fans alike.

OUTSIDE CENTRE: EVA DUARTE PERÓN (ARGENTINA)
If you need someone to get ahead, look no further than little Evita - no one has ever been more determined to succeed. She makes breaking through barriers an art form, and loves nothing more than dumping anyone who dares to stand in her way. Evita was the star performer of a pretty average Argentine line-up that played between 1946 and 1952.

INSIDE CENTRE: PAMELA ANDERSON (CANADA)
Pammy's immense upper body size will dazzle the opposition. She'd act as a magnet to defenders, allowing her team's runners to take advantage of the lack of attention out wide. Her spherical charms also open up numerous decoy-running options - her poor opponents will have no idea if she is carrying the ball or not.

LEFT WING: CRUELLA DE VILLE (DISNEYLAND)
Another clinical finisher with a love of speed, Villo will literally skin anyone in her path. Sure, she has some temper issues that need to be resolved, but she could prove to be the match-winner should our side come up against those black and white Barbarians.

FLY-HALF: JOAN OF ARC (FRANCE)
All good fly-halves should have unswerving faith in their own ability, and little Joan plays like she has God himself at her side. She directs operations impeccably and is a battle-hardened performer. She also has the level head that is an essential part of all great No.10s, famously keeping her cool in the game against the English - even when they tied her to the post and burnt her. You just can't coach that.

SCRUM-HALF: MOTHER THERESA (ALBANIA)
Little Tezza could be a tad too nice for the cut and thrust position of scrum-half, but nothing can match the diminutive nun's hunger for the hard graft. She has vast experience of tiding up around the fringes of the bedraggled hoards, and will be able to cajole her forwards into action when all seems lost.

NO.8: BOADICEA (ENGLAND)
Having slaughtered an estimate 70,000 Romans, many people think that Boady has too much of a disciplinarily problem to merit inclusion. We disagree. Having talked to the Queen of the Iceni tribe, we believe that she will be able to channel her aggression down the right avenues, i.e. route one - right at the midriff of the opposite fly-half. But I think we'll rest her for the Italy fixture - just to keep those pesky citing commissioners off our backs.

OPENSIDE: GODDESS DURGA (THE NETHER REGIONS OF THE EARTH)
Good opensides get their mitts everywhere, and Durgers - with her 18 arms and 18 hands - will guarantee the side plenty of good turn-over ball. In the Hindu faith, Durga is the consort of Shiva who is the Regenerator and the Destroyer - and if that doesn't sum up a good No. 7, we don't know what does. And before anyone gets twitchy, we've checked with the IRB and there are no rules against the fielding of deities.

BLINDSIDE: XENIA ONATOPP (RUSSIA)
You can always tell a good blindside by that mad glint they get in their eye about 10 minutes before kick-off. Onatopp has got it, and loves nothing better than the expectation of a confrontation. Sure, she suffered that famous defeat at the hands of a one-man-band English performance (James not Jonny), but that blip is behind her now. Her powerful legs will come in useful around the fringes and aid her in her line-out lifting duties. Unfortunately, Onners is another likely target for those pansy citing commissioners, but she has promised us that she'd refrain from crushing anyone to death between her thighs.

LOCK: NAOMI CAMPBELL (ENGLAND)
This rangy lock is perhaps the fittest member of our team. Maybe a tad too delicate for the engine room of the scrum, but Campbell's height can offer the team a whole host of line-out options. Some say she's too lazy to perform for less than $100,000 a game, but we'll be setting off some paparazzi flashbulbs in the changing room to awake the snarling beast within.

LOCK: MARGE SIMPSON (USA)
'The Springfield Tower' is the glue that holds her home team together, and she wins selection on the strength of her prodigious work-rate. Her enormous hair - whilst a major impediment during our scrum practice - pays huge dividends at the line-out.

TIGHTHEAD: MEDUSA (GREECE)
This might offend huge swathes of our readership, but when it comes to front row selection it's all down to look: the uglier the better. No one beats Medusa on that score, and she sails into the side on the strength of her hissing serpent hair. Her ability to turn men to stone with a glance could also come in handy, and we will be asking her to stare-out the opposition's backline. Having said that, we could have a few problems if she catches the eye of the opposition pack prior to a scrum - so peepers down at contact, please Meds honey.

HOOKER: MARGARET THATCHER (GREAT BRITAIN, CAPTAIN)
Another performer with an impeccable track record. The Iron Lady held together a rag-tag team during the 1980s and lead them on an extended run of wins. This lady is not for turning, and the opposition will find it nigh impossible to put her on the back-foot. One of history's most fierce competitors, Maggie is a scary prospect for everyone - yes, referees too.

LOOSEHEAD: WINNIE MANDELA (SOUTH AFRICA)
Big Winnie's courage and leadership abilities have triumphed over the years, and she is nothing if not dedicated to the cause. She has received a number of yellow cards in recent performances for alleged foul play, but what's a front row without a bit of bite?

By Andy Jackson