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Michael Schumacher and the Wallabies? Everyone knows that there's no substitute for speed, but this is ridiculous.

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Schumacher: "They're right - you Wallabies can't scrummage."
Elliot Stewart

Schumacher: "Just bear with me guys - F1 cars don't have a reverse gear."
Jem McDowall, USA

Schumacher: "Would you like fries with that?"
Neil Harrison

Wallaby: "In the front row at Melbourne GP? Never heard of them, mate, but we're desperate..."
Nick Cox

Schumacher (thinking): "A go-kart has more power than this front row."
Dreyer Wentzel, Australia

Australia cast their net ever wider in their desperate search for a front row.
Angus Turpin

Wallaby: "Well Michael, this is what REAL power feels like, mate!"
Glenn Maymann, Australia

Wallaby boss: "Let's recruit him, is Germany a Pacific island?"
Lee Butler

Schumacher: "I guess we all know about losing streaks."
Evangelos Dellios

Schumacher: "This is the first time I've been anywhere near the front row for ages..."
Graeme Cleland, Dundee

Schumacher: "I heard you guys have a front row problem, well, I always start from the front row, so maybe I can help you on this one!"
Bryan Corlett, Malta

Larkham: "You see, Michael - when the ref says hit we all take three step backwards."
Jack Zorab

Schumacher: "Are you sure this'll work? I thought you needed more power, not more pace in the front row?"
Dave Gearing

Wallaby: "Well, we did ask for a German hooker who goes like a train!"
Clarks, UK

Schumacher: "So your front row is known as a crumple zone?"
Simon Harrison, UK

Aussies: "Here Mike, when was the last time you won something mate?"
MS: "God knows, ages ago." (in a strong german accent)
Aussies: "Same here mate, let's have a beer!"
Sally and Yann

It was obvious that Australian rugby had no salary-caps in place.
Lyall, South African in Southampton

Former World Number Ones get together
Mark Boulter, UK

Michael Schumacher takes part in a job swap. "Can Michael come back now? The Aussie hooker is jammed in his car!"
Philippa Whitworth

Schumacher: "At least I perform when I get on the front row!"
Daniel Cran

Schumacher: "When they said pole position in the front row - this wasn't what I had in mind!"
Russel Pollard

"Krauts and hold!"
Steve Henly, Stockholm, Sweden

But the winner is...

Bored with travelling forward at high speed, Schumacher contacted the Wallabies.
Patrick Brian, Australia

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