Devastating: Stade Northousain wing George Nuget
It's that time of year again! Get set for the annual North v South Derby at the Stade de Frigid on December 25.
Once again the Bill Bew Sille trophy is up for grabs as the best of the North do battle with the best of the South in the game the whole plant has been waiting for.
The Southern Penguins are looking to continue their long domination of the inter-hemisphere spoils as the Northern Polar Bears return to L'Igloo with a point to prove.
The southerners arrive with a much-changed team under the guidance of their young-gun fly-half Nicolandré Folanchez, whose rise to prominence sees experienced pivot Dan Cambie relegated to the bench. With a high-scoring fixture expected, the Polar Championship points record held Filipe Cooperpomi could be under threat.
Barnstorming hooker Bismarck Colessis is fast approaching legendary former skipper John Smealamu's record for Test caps but must settle for a place on the bench behind the in-form Augustin Strauvy.
Penguins coach Chris Masphather has also selected a new-look midfield partnership of Malacelo Serfundrani and Sonny-Martín de Villomua, who will start despite having a left-intercostal-earlobe-defragmentation suffered while boxing in Buenos Aires.
Polar Bears coach Clause Santason has also named a youngster at fly-half with George Fexton guiding the northern attack. The decision was made easier by Camille Loparrell suffering from an inflamed-incandescent-infected-ingrown toenail on his kicking foot during training.
Bears scrum-half Danny Curray has recovered from an overused groin to take his place in the starting line-up
"We've got a good set piece so we'll look to our pack to lay a platform," Santason told News From the Far Side.
"Our props are excellent - Adam Mastrogiovanni is the best tighthead the world has ever seen - but their line-out jumpers will be tough to beat. Sam Matflock is the most athletic second rower in the history of the game so we'll have to play smart.
"But we're evolving. Almost all the best coaches in the North are from the South these days so mentalities have changed."
The colder-than-usual temperatures should favour the northerners but will it be enough to stifle the free-running side from the South?
Some of the southern backs have managed to make the headlines for all the wrong reasons as, once again, the versatile, highly-talented but intellectually-challenged Connor Kurtley is missing from the team as investigations into alleged misconduct while on tour continue. 'CK' is believed to have accidentally sent a rude Whatsapp message to the team secretary/kit manager/travel agent/psychologist, who also happens to be the girlfriend of the assistant waterboy and the second cousin of Penguins Rugby Union President Stevey Pulveriser.
Coach Santason is also in hot water having chopped a changing room door down with an axe in a furious rage after they ran out of sliced oranges at Vivahamfield Stadium last month. The repairs costs have been estimated at 7 Million euros.
"The past means nothing. All that matters is that the players put their bodies on the line and play for all 80 minutes," said Penguins assistant coach Micheal Meyansen.
Said Bears assistant coach Joel Gatcaster said that the northern backs could match their southern counterparts.
"Weslie Roberana is as good as centres get," boasted Gatcaster.
"I once watched him sidestep an entire Sevens team while carrying a bag of cement in one hand and reading from one of his medical books in the other hand."
Keep a close eye on the battle between the full-backs as both sides have counter-attacking geniuses in Rob Hoggpenny and Isreal le Rolaugg.
Players to watch:
For the Northern Polar Bears: Stade Northousain wing George Nuget is a devastating runner out wide. Built like a brick outhouse but possessing the feet of a ferret on amphetamines, he's the perfect combination of Franco-Anglo-Galic power, pace and guile.
For the Southern Penguins: He pilfers, he plunders, he pillages, he preys, he plucks, he picks, he lifts, he loots, he liberates the ball from any bondage - if you don't hold onto it, he'll steal it, and if you do, he'll hit you harder than a B52: Richie McBurger is a natural-born game changer. Expect another master display of McBurger driving-through at the rucks.
Head-to head: Sparks are sure to fly in the clash of the second rows as the ever-physical youngster Broben Etzatallick takes on the hard-as-nails veteran Paul O'Papenell.
Prediction: It's a tough one to call, but considering the past results, the Penguins must start as favourites. But anything is possible. You can be sure of one thing: After the game the 'refreshments' will flow thick and fast. The Hemispheres to draw 25-all and everyone to have cracking New Year, be friends and live happily ever after!
North Pole: 15 Rob Hoggpenny, 14 Tommy Cuthbowe, 13 Jonathan Dastareaus, 12 Weslie Roberana, 11 George Nuget, 10 George Fexton, 9 Danny Curray, 8 Jamie Hunipolaslip, 7 Chris Roburton, 6 Thierry Lydiatoir, 5 Richie Grawes, 4 Paul O'Papenell, 3 Adam Mastrogiovanni, 2 Rory Beraldini, 1 Joelberto De Marchiler.
Replacements:16 Dylan Szarzeartly, 17 Thomasko Domipola, 18 Genith Joles, 19 Geoff-Alun Jonebury, 20 Peter O'Woodony, 21 Sébastien Tilrhys-Webb, 22 Camille Loparrell, 23 Maxime Brownard
South Pole: 15 Isreal le Rolaugg, 14 Ben Smindricks, 13 Malacelo Serfundrani, 12 Sonny-Martin de Vomua, 11 Julyan Habavea, 10 Nicolandré Folanchez, 9 Aaron Reinipps, 8 Kierane Remeulen, 7 Richie McBurger, 6 Juan Francois Loubbe, 5 Sam Matflock, 4 Broben Etzatallick, 3 Jannie Keperrera, 2 Augustin Strauvy, 1 Marcus 'Monster' Mtawayerza.
Replacemenst: 16 Bismarck Colessis, 17 Benn Crocketson, 18 Choelie Faumhuizen, 19 James Gorlarza, 20 Micheal Hoetzee, 21 Nic Lougaarrjo, 22 Dan Cambie, 23 Adam Ashley Amorospeight,
Date: Tuesday, December 25
Venue: Stade de Frigid
Kick-off: High Noon
Weather: minus 24°C, snow, and a fresh north-wester 35 km/h
Referee: Lawrence Lawrence
Touch judges: Mark Lawrence, Bryce Lawrence
Television match official: Jean-Pierre Lawrence III
Assesor: His Royal Highness The Scarlet Badger
Share: