'Tis the season for sporting memoirs!

A sideways look at the Christmas book list

Christmas is coming and publishers are getting fat! With the annual clutch of sporting offerings clogging up the foyers of book stores across the globe, we take a look at some of the titles that might (not) be winging their way into your stockings on the 25th!

The Lord of the Win
The Gargoyles' Revenge
By Martin Johnson

A Tolkien-esque tale of a warrior leader who lead his army of gnarled veterans into the citadel of their arch-rivals to steal the coveted holy grail, thereby sentencing the foe to four long years of purgatory and much gnashing of teeth.

Out now on VHS and DVD: From the makers of 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' comes the story of the Martin Johnson's historic year - 'Jono: 364 Frowns and a Smile'

Naked Ambition
A Naturalist's Guide to Rugby Union
By Rudolf Straeuli

A no holes barred (surely 'holds'? Ed.) account of one man's love of the outdoors. The author lays out his controversial theory that Rugby World Cup success is unequivocally linked to crawling through the African bush in one's birthday suit. Tests have since proved that no such relationship exists, but that hasn't diminished the strength of this pioneers' argument. A rare glance into a rare mind.

Warning: Contains full frontal nudity and some scenes that readers may find offensive.

How to Succeed in Everything and Anything
Trust Me, I Won the World Cup - It's So Easy When You're as Brilliant as Me
By (Sir) Clive Woodward

The author says: "My priceless tips are applicable to all sport, businesses, relationships, farming, traveling, dating, stamp collecting, model making, photography, knitting, sailing, newspaper editing, television direction, making lov (That's quite enough. Ed.)

Merde! Il Pleut
Oh, for an Endless Summer in Provence
By Frédéric Michalak

Dripping with existential angst, this heartbreaking novella tells of the demise of a dashing young Gaelic prince. Like all true romantics, this heir to the throne has one fatal Achilles' heal - the rain. With his nation looking on in expectation and admiration, the prince gallops into battle during a storm. After floundering helplessly around in the wet he is skewered by a bunch of ruthless English thugs. The End.

'Joan of Arc as written by Jean-Paul Satre' said Paris Match. 

Never Surrender!
One Man's Mission to Stand his Ground
By John Mitchell

If you enjoyed Bravo Two Zero and Rambo you will love this tale of survival against the odds! The hero is intent on seeing his mission through to closure, and launches a savage counter-strike on the 'dark forces' that seem intent on bringing him down. Will our man storm the barricades, or be dragged from the burning wreckage by the enemy?

Buy 'Never Surrender!' get 'Dreaming of a Black Christmas' free!

Much Ado About Nothing
My Tiny Part in England's Victory
By Jonny Wilkinson MBE

Paying tribute in every which way but his own, England's boy king gives us a remarkable insight into how he had nothing at all to do with England's World Cup success. An extensive appendix lists the awards Wilkinson has received, is receiving and has yet to receive.

Also by the same author: My Left Foot, Kicking is Fun (78 volume box set), A Match made in Marketing Heaven (with foreword by David Beckham), Advanced Aerodynamics of Oval Projectiles.

Dreaming of a Black Christmas
From the Valleys to the Promised Land
By Graham Henry

A wily old sage sails from his native land to seek his fortune abroad, having several adventures along the way. He wins the trust of some doubting foreigners and becomes their great redeemer, but - after a savage mauling from a pack of whining lions - he is chased from the strange island by locals wielding pitch-forks. Now back on home soil, and with the rocky road behind him, he plans an assault on the throne.

Buy 'Dreaming of a Black Christmas' get 'Never Surrender!' free!

How did I get Here? How Long Will I Stay?
Carried by a Nation: A True Story
By Reuben Thorne

The unbelievable story of how a simple country boy work up one morning as the leader of his country. Will our anti-hero be able to assert himself? Will his compatriots yield to his authority? And how long can he last before it becomes clear he really hasn't got the CV for the role? 

A Dry White Season
Where Did my True Love Go?
By George Gregan and Old Mother Hubbard

The tragic tale of a long romance between an Australian hero and his beautiful golden love interest, Billy. All is rosy until a band of roguish out-of-towners arrive intent on eloping with the fair one. Young George tries to defend her honour by battling with all his might, but in the end his beloved is whisked away from his grasp, hostage to her attraction for older men.

By Andy Jackson