Campbell's Law

Limbering up for the Lions with rugby's newest fan

News that former government spin doctor Alastair Campbell has accepted the position of media advisor to the British and Irish Lions left rugby hacks quivering in fear.

The man made mincemeat out of Fleet Street's finest, so who knows what he will do to the moth-eaten old whingers who will make up the tour's press entourage!

To test the waters ahead of next year, we sent Tony Blair's favourite news hound our report of the final Test of the Lions' tour of Australia in 2001 and asked him if he would be so kind as to add a few editorial pointers...

MATCHER: BI v AUS - 14/07/2001

Two tries from Daniel Herbert (Can we get some filth on this bloke?) helped Australia to a 29-23 win over the Lions in Saturday's decisive third Test in Sydney, claiming an enthralling 2-1 Test series win at a tension-filled Stadium Australia. (Bury all these dubious stats somewhere further down the article.)

The scores were tied at 23-23 going in to the last 12 minutes, but fullback Matt Burke stepped up and shrugged off the pressure to become the Wallabies' hero landing two penalties to fend-off a gallant, if at times headstrong Lions' challenge. (Delete: 'headstrong', add: 'courageous'. And get some filth on Burke - is he gay?)

The home side had gone into the half-time interval at 16-13 in front after an early Lions' try from wing Jason Robinson, but Herbert's touch down just before the break set the tone for a see-saw match, which had pulses on both sides of the equator racing as the Lions mounted a failed late challenge. (Must we highlight 'failed'?)

The Lions' other try on the day came from Jonny Wilkinson just after half-time, putting the Lions in front only until Herbert's second in the 49th minute. (Emphasise 'Lions in front' and expand the theme.)

In truth, the series could have swung either way, but it was the Wallabies' tenacity in the 50/50 contests which saw them edging ahead, Justin Harrison in the second row having a debut to remember, stealing (Nice. Use 'steal', 'Aussie thieves', 'convicts' etc. in headline) a memorable late line-out from Lions skipper Martin Johnson with the hooter imminent to drive a further nail into the Lions' coffin. (Delete: 'to drive a further nail into the Lions' coffin', add: 'to leave the Lions within a whisker of a famous victory'.)

The tourists far from disgraced themselves, with the back-row in particular exposing the soft underbelly of the home side in the loose, where they repeatedly drove through the heart of the Wallaby pack with a string of surging rolling mauls. But in the battle on the ground, it was Wallaby openside George Smith who emerged victorious, with team-mates Kefu and Finegan not far behind him. (I'm fine with the first sentence of this paragraph, just ditch the second.)

Without late injury withdrawal Austin Healey, the 84,000 crowd at Stadium Australia were denied the chance to witness the Leicester wing's pre-match slurs against all things Australia being rammed down his throat. (Who's side are you bloody well on? Delete this paragraph, you utter cretin.)

His late replacement was Welshman Dafydd James, but with Healey also due to serve as Matt Dawson's scrum-half replacement, the Lions' management had to take desperate measures and recruit Scotland scrum-half Andy Nicol to the bench. (Who the hell are you to accusing the management of taking 'desperate measures'? Kill this part completely, you utter imbecile.)

Nicol had not even been part of the squad, being in Sydney merely as a tour guide, but found himself thrown into the cauldron of Stadium Australia. He was not used in the end, but his inclusion in the squad served as a fitting marker of the drama surrounding the 2001 tour right from day one. (If he wasn't used, why the f... are you telling the world about it? You are testing my patience, mate.)

But the real drama unfolded on the pitch and it was Jason Robinson - one of the shining lights for the Lions - who made the first in-roads to the Wallaby defence out wide when he touched down in the left corner after 20 minutes. (Better. Move this bit higher up.)

It was a move which proved that the tourists - underdogs going into this match - were capable of playing their own brand of 'total rugby', two front row players out wide playing a valuable part in the score. (I like this bit - expand it.)

Firstly hooker Keith Wood drew in Andrew Walker ten metres out, and then loosehead Tom Smith pulled in the last defender before putting Robinson in for a textbook 2 on 1 overlap try next to the corner flag, with Wilkinson nailing the tricky extras in a mixed kicking half. (I don't know enough about rugby to appreciate this fully, but it all sounds great - move it to the top.)

By this time though Matt Burke had already kicked three penalties to Wilkinson's one, and Herbert's try just before the half-time whistle was the next score as both teams sparred around the fringes of the ruck - the Wallaby front-row again given a rough ride by the Lions as Nick Stiles and Rod Moore looked out of sorts. (Nice. Ham this up - 'Wallabies looked like little girls' etc.)

Herbert's try when it came was a result of constant Wallaby pressure, the marvellous George Gregan in particular back to his marshalling best at the base of every ruck, capitalising on some quick breaks by the three-quarters to set the scene for the try, which eventually came after a quick exchange between Herbert and Andrew Walker on the right flank, Burke hitting the conversion for a 16-13 half-time lead. (Must we mention all this? Scratch 'marvellous' for starters.)

Jonny Wilkinson gave the vast and noisy legions of Lions fans something to cheer when he jinked over from short range just after the break, showing a shimmy to Toutai Kefu before cutting in past Dan Herbert for the try, and then hitting the conversion to snatch the lead. (Why on earth is this paragraph buried all the way down here? Do you know nothing about journalism? Make this the sub-header.)

Herbert made amends five minutes later when he was on the end of a quick transfer through the Wallaby hands, their speedy continuity play creating the stage for hooker Michael Foley out wide to unselfishly offload to Herbert for his second try. Foley could well have gone himself, but made sure of the score by putting in the Queensland centre on the overlap, Burke again converting. (Yeah right, 'selfishly' my backside. Video replays clearly showed he was about to drop it - change this paragraph to reflect these FACTS.)

Herbert's next contribution to the match was not so glorious when his clothes-line tackle on the below-par Lions centre Brian O'Driscoll landed the Wallaby a ten-minute spell in the sin-bin. ('Not so glorious'?! It was barbaric. He should be shot. Get your FACTS rights. Why are you making me do your job? You are an idiot.)

The Lions failed to make the most of the space though, Wilkinson's penalty drawing the scores, but no more points coming in what could have been a crucial ten-minutes. (Haven't I warned you about the word 'failed'? Buy a bloody thesaurus, you arse.)

The England man missed his third kick of the day shortly after, the pivot's hit-and-miss kicking day giving heart to the Wallabies, particularly during the enforced absence of Herbert. (Let's just gloss over this, okay. It adds nothing to the report.)

Almost immediately after Herbert's return to the fray, Burke again put the home side in front with a penalty. It was a decisive moment, and the Lions had a mountain to climb as injury-time approached. (What mountain? What are you smoking? Use 'the Lions were ready to fight to the death like the law-abiding heroes that they are'.)

The Lions' rolling-maul got into full swing, and as a Lions' line-out came with seconds to go in Wallaby territory, the visitors knew this was the moment they had to seize the initiative. Keith Wood threw in, and Justin Harrison claimed an awesome take at the front, eclipsing Martin Johnson at the front, leaping across his line of sight, stealing the ball, and shutting the door firmly on the Lions. (What are you talking about? I quizzed a random student on the internet about this, he couldn't recall this moment, so it obviously didn't happen. Remove this misleading piece of fiction immediately.)

Referee Paddy O'Brien pulled the curtain down on a memorable series with the final whistle, Australia on balance deserved victors in a series which had everything, great tries, big-hits, controversy, injury, two well-matched teams and most of all, a true rugby atmosphere. (Australia deserved nothing. The Lions let them off the hook because they were guests in their land, and too polite to offend their hosts. Chance this story to reflect this accurate account of what happened. And check out Paddy O'Brien's past. We can use him a smoke-screen. Was he ever jilted by a British or Irish lover? Is he intimate with Burke?)

Australia were wounded after their first Test humiliation, but the last eight days have seen them stamp their mantle as true champions, obliterating the Lions in Melbourne, and then finding the scrapping spirit to pull out a win under adversity in Sydney. ('True champions'? 'Obliterating'? 'Scrapping spirit'? Are you an Aussie? Either that or you are a blind fool. Alter this paragraph completely or I'll have you fired.)

The 2001 Lions may have been only seven points away from emulating their 1997 counterparts, but the Wallabies will be partying away in to the wee small hours, knowing that they have beaten the northern hemisphere's finest. ( Get a reporter out there for the 'wee small hours' - and a cameraman. Let's lead tomorrow with photos of the Australians being vile drunkards.)

It was a fitting way for the cerebral and dignified Rod Macqueen to end his tenure as Wallaby coach, and sets up a fascinating Tri-Nations series as Eddie Jones takes the reins. ('Cerebral and dignified'? That's it. You are finished. Change this to 'evil and conniving' - that's the truth. And find me filth on these two muppets.)

So, a day of joy for Australia but disappointment for the many thousands of away supporters who had journeyed across the globe to yell themselves hoarse for their team. No matter, after this epic series, the majority of them will already have begun their plans to play their part in British and Irish rugby's next great crusade - the 2005 Lions tour of New Zealand. (Pull yourself together you idiot - you are party responsible for the defeat. You and just about everyone else. Everyone except me, of course. You have 45 minutes to leave the building or I'll have you killed.)

ENDS (Thank Christ for that.)

In anticipation of a crippling lawsuit, Planet Rugby would like to state that Alastair Campbell had absolutely no involvement in this sorry excuse for a feature - we are just big fibbers with too much time on our hands.