The Empire strikes back!

Your FREE 'print out and keep' Survival Guide

It has come to our attention that England fans are copping a fair amount of abuse for their team's less-than-glorious record over the last few months.

Far be it for Planet Rugby to take sides on such matters, but - in the interests of fair play - we felt we should help the English as they struggle to keep the hoards of gloating Antipodeans and Celts at bay.

If you are a member England's army of devotees, all you they need to do is print off this FREE Survival Guide and keep it within arm's length at all times.

Should you then find yourself being harassed in the pub, simply whip it out and hit your assailants with a few of the handy facts - yes, FACTS - that are listed below.

For best results, we recommend that you lay it on really thick.

PLAN OF ATTACK ONE - RECENT RESULTS:

This section will ward off any slanderous anti-English mutterings that include words such as 'losers', 'try-less', 'feckless' or that brilliantly clever pun 'world chumps' (good effort on that one, guys).

All you have to do is deduce the nationality of the owner of the big mouth, locate the relevant group of results from the data below, and reel off a few choice scores.

ENGLAND v AUSTRALIA:
In 2003: England won 20-17 in Sydney (RWC)
In 2003: England won 25-14 in Melbourne
In 2002: England won 32-31 in London
In 2001: England won 21-15 in London
In 2000: England won 22-19 in London

ENGLAND v FRANCE:
In 2004: France won 21-24 in Paris
In 2003: England won 24-7 in Sydney (RWC)
In 2003: England won 45-14 in London
In 2003: France won 17-16 in Marseille
In 2003: England won 25-17 in London

ENGLAND v IRELAND:
In 2004: Ireland won 19-13 in London
In 2003: England won 42-6 in Dublin
In 2002: England won 45-11 in London
In 2001: Ireland won 20-14 in Dublin
In 2000: England won 50-18 in London

ENGLAND v NEW ZEALAND:
In 2004: New Zealand won 36-12 in Auckland
In 2004: New Zealand won 36-3 in Dunedin
In 2003: England won 15-13 in Wellington
In 2002: England won 31-28 in London
In 1999: New Zealand won 30-16 in London (RWC)

ENGLAND v SCOTLAND:
In 2004: England won 35-13 in Edinburgh
In 2003: England won 40-9 in London
In 2002: England won 29-3 in Edinburgh
In 2001: England won 43-3 in London
In 2000: Scotland won 19-13 in Edinburgh

ENGLAND v SOUTH AFRICA:
In 2003: England won 25-6 in Perth, Australia (RWC)
In 2002: England won 53-3 in London
In 2001: England won 29-9 in London
In 2000: England won 25-17 in London
In 2000: England won 27-22 in Bloemfontein

ENGLAND v WALES:
In 2004: England won 31-21 in London
In 2003: England won 28-17 in Brisbane (RWC)
In 2003: England won 43-9 in Cardiff
In 2003: England won 26-9 in Cardiff
In 2002: England won 50-10 in London

PLAN OF ATTACK TWO - FOUL PLAY:

A new weapon in the arsenal of England's miserable knockers is the lie that England are in some way 'dirty'. Huh?

Should the England team be accused of being thugs in your presence, take a leaf from those unflappable boys in white - don't rise to the bait.

Simply state that three red cards in the entire history of English rugby is hardly grounds to institutionalise an entire team. And besides, what's rugby without a little bite?

Feel free to use the data below to add weight to your argument that England are not as crooked as most, and not as girlie as others. In fact, they have it spot on - bless 'em.

Hopefully, your tormenter will be part of a group of French, Welsh and Fijian fans - if so, be ready to duck.

DISMISSALS IN MAJOR TESTS SINCE 1925:

9: France
6: Fiji
6: Wales
5: South Africa
4: Canada
3: Argentina
3: England
3: Italy
2: New Zealand
1: Australia
1: Ireland
1: Scotland

PLAN OF ATTACK THREE - UNAVAILABLE FOR DUTY:

Many of the accusations heaped at the feet of the rightful world champions involve those two meaningless tour games played in New Zealand recently. Pah.

The fact that England were forced to participate in those silly knock-abouts after enduring a gruelling 11-month season is definitely worth a mention - and pepper your musings with the names of a few absence English friends.

Here are just a few to get you started...

Jonny Wilkinson OBE
(52 caps, 817 points - IRB Player of the Year)*

Will Greenwood MBE
(52 caps, 150 pts)

Jason Robinson MBE
(33 caps, 95 pts)

Lewis Moody MBE
(24 caps, 30 pts)

Ben Kay MBE
(33 caps, 10 pts)

Phil Vickery MBE
(43 caps, 5 pts)

* You may, nay, will be told that Wilko is nothing more than a left boot - enlighten the moron in front of you to the fact that goal kicking is actually a legitimate form of scoring.

PLAN OF ATTACK FIVE - PICTORAL EVIDENCE:

If you are still finding it hard to make yourself heard above the foul din of your molester's self-congratulatory rubbish, simply point to the photo we've include at no additional cost.

It should become immediately obvious to your aggressor that the man holding the Webb Ellis Trophy is not from New Zealand or Australia.

Nor is he from South Africa or France.

Or Ireland or Wales or Scotland.

Or from any other country on God's good earth.

He's an Englishman. End of story!

Disclaimer: The use of this Survival Guide could lead to the loss of your teeth - please use with caution.

Excuses Information formulated by Andy Jackson